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Category: Dream Creatures

Dream Creatures

Creatures that have appeared in my dreams.
Plus some helpful notes on each creature in case you run into one of them.

Sexy Pandas

Mar 16, 2013 | , | 0 |

sexy-pandas

  • General Info: Long-Limbed 2ish foot tall panda teddy bears, that are only ever having sex, or on their way to/from having sex.
  • Natural Habitat: Everywhere you look. Literally everywhere. Especially the places you’re looking when you’re trying not to see them. 
  • Are these creatures anatomically detailed?:  No, calm down. They don’t even have hands and feet. But sex is a psychological phenomenon and anyway that’s not stopping them from trying. 

Your best option when encountering this creature: Continue on your increasingly awkward evening stroll with a friend and struggle to make conversation about things other than the erotic playground that surrounds you.

Wild Boar Hog Puppy

Mar 16, 2013 | , | 0 |

Wild Boar Hog Pupply

Animal Facts:

  • General Info:
    Prehistoric animal previously thought to be extinct.
    Currently mildly sedated for observation purposes.
    (Because obviously it’s soooo dangerous.)
  • Natural Habitat:
    Africa?… I don’t really know. I found it in the bedroom.
  • Emotional State/Personality:
    Just wants to suckle on you thumb while you hold it.

Your best option when encountering this creature:
Carry it around for the rest of the dream and feel bad for needlessly sedating it.

Baleen Shark

Jun 30, 2012 | , | 0 |

Baleen Shark

Animal Facts

  • Natural Habitat:
    The arctic ocean which you are currently documenting because of it’s rapidly changing climate
  • What it eats:
    Documentary film makers
  • Why is this terrifying?
    Because being gently brushed to death could conceivably take hours and is therefore the worst possible way to be eaten by a shark.

Your best options when encountering this creature:
1. Friend it (NO! the Baleen Shark is a highly/bizarrely evolved death machine. Friendship is NOT an option.)
2. Swim away (Are you @$%&ing kidding me???)
3. Repeatedly experience awkward missed eye contact with this creature until the shark feels too uncomfortable to approach you.
(Success! The Baleen Shark only continues to pursue you/exist if you keep staring at/creating it. And now you can relax as you float among a bunch of baby seals who appear to be sleeping… omg they’re dead! …Why is this dream getting worse!?! )

Stegobolfupine

Sep 29, 2011 | , | 0 |

Animal Facts

  • Size and Weight:
    3,500 – 6,000 pounds, 17-30 feet long, roughly 2 meters high.
  • Natural Habitat:
    The open plains of Oklahoma in plain view
  • Why hasn’t anyone else ever seen this animal:
    Because it’s too &%$#ing obvious
  • Favorite Activities:
    Charging furiously through the rolling prairie
  • Emotional State/Personality:
    Total Drama Queen. Fond of close-ups. In it for the attention. Not an actual threat.

Your best option when encountering this creature:
It wants to flirt with you, just for kicks. Might as well go with the flow.

Kangaroo Coyote Bat Cub

Apr 16, 2011 | , | 0 |

Animal Facts:

  • General Info:
    Known to sleep in dimly lit parking lots.
  • Emotional State/Personality:
    Not really interested in playing with you right now because it just woke up and feels mostly disoriented and alarmed by your attempts to friend it.
  • Special Powers:
    Morphs from goofy looking cartoon to semi realistic looking animal throughout the course of your interaction.

Your best options when encountering this creature:
1. Let it go back to sleep.
(Nope, not an option. You have grabby impulse control problems and continue to pursue this animal until it has to fly off to find somewhere else to sleep.)
2. Insist on making friends with a terrified creature that you just rudely woke up.
(Yes. This is what you will do.)

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